I think that might be it, too. Shit you want to do.
(it would make sense to him, after all, he too has spoken about it. about kazutora murdering his brother. about kisaki manipulating him into war and trying to get his friends killed - by mikey's hand, no less. about emma, how she was bleeding out on his back before he winded up here.
but shinji's outrage feels-- extremely supportive, in a way. it's comforting.)
I have talked about it, that's the shit part. They said they want me to share my feelings and secrets and fears or whatever, but you are right. Nothing atones for something like that, especially something I didn't do. It's bullshit, and I ain't talking shit. There ain't shit to tell, so I'm screwed, anyway.
[It's mostly a sullen growl, mostly to himself, and he'll cut it off by taking another pull on the cigarette. It's a sort of dry, warm feeling in his chest that he hasn't had since he got here. It reminds him of that shitty mahjong parlor he hung around and all the assholes losing their shirts to it. The punks throwing shit around his alley, the drunks stumbling from the bar as the night got later and later.
It tastes like avoidance. And that's one he's learned to fucking crave.]
Yeah- it sounds like they're telling us one thing, and meaning another. Go do shit with 'conviction'. Or go talk about the hell.
[Was this half of sentencing? Figuring out just what they meant?]
... I don't know a lot of people who've done this. Dara did, but she just went and started a cult, so they took it. I dunno if anything happens if you don't do it.
I guess Akechi's hungry for info on it, but I wouldn't trust that asshole with anything personal.
I suppose they punish you. Yuchin lost his Persona thing when he failed his, and he was not happy about it.
(not that he knows the story behind shinji's whole demeanor, unknowing that the prospect of losing it might feel beneficial for him - but that's the thing. it's not punishment if they are doing something you'd like done. they are fucked one way or the other, and manjiro is so reluctant to let go of anything he has. he already doesn't have his gang, if they took away his self-control or will to it as the corruption had, he's screwed. he just thinks this is it, he's done.
he's just not taking it quietly. he never has been like that.
right now, he needs to avoid it. just like the other.)
Ah, she told me. Something about a shrine? And... I don't think I can do it, anyway. Besides, why would I tell any of this to some asshole?
['Yuchin'-- Narukami. It only takes a moment to piece it together, what with Mikey's penchant for nicknames. After all, how many Persona users could there be here?
(... A lot. But whatever)
Having Castor gone sounds like a relief, so long as it doesn't come with that horrific sense of displacement that he'd had when Dazai had touched him. But that said-- it likely wouldn't be a punishment for him.]
... They probably wouldn't do the same for me. I hate that asshole, anyway. [A pause, and he'll clarify:] My Persona, I mean.
[But Mikey raises good points, extending on his own thoughts. What was the point? Who would it serve? Making up for a crime against someone else by working on yourself? It feels anathema.]
I guess to avoid whatever punishment. I've never been the 'talk it out' kind've guy so I dunno if I could tell you...
[He says that, but also wonders: Is it really true he has no idea? Back home, yeah. Everything was so tied together everyone was invested, they had so many feelings. Being open with your own meant subjecting them to others, when it involved them as well. But here...]
I guess.... since nothing back home matters here, maybe it's easier to say shit.
[Or finding someone who could really understand. For him, it was someone who had also died, who didn't hold higher expectations of him than how he was right now. Without all the baggage of Personas and the Dark Hour and his own wracking guilt.]
But same as my shit...you think it would count if you didn't mean it? I dunno if it's the words they care about.
[One more drag on the cigarette, the spark climbing up closer to his lips, and then he curses quietly on the exhale.]
(yep, he remembers that conversation. shinji was the first one to really explain personas to him, and quite honestly, he doesn't think he gets it. he can't, it's a reality that he can only imagine, and even so, it wouldn't come close. his words stand out simply because it sounds like personas are an intimate part of them. he never heard of someone not feeling close to their own. it's a strange statement. his cigarette is over, so the last drag burns his lips, the remaining flame used to light another one. it's doing little, but it is doing something.
home doesn't matter to shinji because he has no way of going back, manjiro figures. for him, home is his entire identity. the thing that keeps him awake in the morning. he doesn't even know who he would be if he didn't even have that.)
I think they matter, though. Whatever happened to us throughout our lives just won't disappear because we are in another place. I think they're trying to remind us that, too.
(he does sigh too, almost in unison, because, again, fuck this shit.)
[What a question. Knowing Mikey paid enough attention to remember Castor's name makes it feel more personal, too. His eyes flicker away down the steps of the city hall at the milling foot traffic of Aldrip. His stance doesn't change, though- he stays still, posture as terrible as ever: as though finding a relaxation he doesn't feel, and he occupies the silence with another pull on the cigarette.]
...He acts out. Attacks people. Me, sometimes.
[he hates putting it into words, but the time and distance afforded by his stay in Aldrip- and the seal Dara had placed, keeping everything subdued and pseudo-numb- has made it easier. More of a fact to state and less of a weakness to admit. Every time, it does get a bit easier to acknowledge.]
But he's pretty much under control here. There's shit in this place we didn't have back home.
['Under control' so long as Shinjiro avoided utilizing him and wearing out the thin seals that kept his power restrained and trapped. Had them redrawn and rebranded on himself whenever they grew weak. But-- it was better than the slow suicide he'd resorted to before.
But he doesn't linger on himself or Mikey's curiosity. After all, opening up to people wasn't his sentencing task. Instead the conversation turns to the topic of home, and Shinjiro has to remind himself that other people are actually desperate to leave.]
I figure even for you guys who're alive, time here has nothing to do with time there. It doesn't really flow the same in different dimensions.
[He says it as though he knows it for a fact- almost like it's something that's been seen or experienced firsthand.]
.... But I get it. If you have something your fighting for or living for-- it's gotta be frustrating to be stuck here.
[At the questions he rolls a shoulder and finally tosses the cigarette butt to the sides letting it shoulder out on the stone for a moment, before crushing it with a heel. Better not to start any fires.]
Fuck if I know. Join one of Kotone's clubs, I guess, see if that works. How 'bout you?
(for as much as he understands, a persona is... them. a part of them, or perhaps what they represent. but to hear the lack of control of one self makes manjiro raise his brows in surprise. it's unfortunately not unlike what he experiences, attacking those he loves the most and being powerless to stop it. common ground always arises in the most strange places, it seems.
should he try this bullshit assignment on shinjiro? how much can he really be open about it? to speak is not the problem, it's to connect the fact with his emotions, and in that, let go a little of the posture and poise he has to keep intact.)
... I get it. It sucks, don't it?
(master of grammar.
the thought of home, though. terrifying and yet he craves. he craves the familiar, the warmth of the shrine where he stands tall, and the people who stand tall with him. he drags, the smoke blown away from them, at least.)
It's-- I think being here is frustrating for everyone. I imagine it is for you, too, even if you have nowhere to go.
(harsh, but he knows shinjiro doesn't hide from that very fact. he's so sure about it that it stagnates him, it seems.)
I think I'll try talking to you, if you'll hear me. I don't think anything I'll say would affect you, and you're not some random asshole.
[He lifts a brow starkly at Mikey's comment of 'getting it', clearly deciding whether to pursue that curiosity or not. He knows Scott also had a power beyond his control, and they'd talked on it slightly. He wouldn't have expected a guy so self-sure and boisterous as Mikey to have any inkling of what it was like. Shinjiro finally nods in agreement.]
....Yeah. it does.
[Goes to show that his initial assumptions can be as wrong as anyone else's. He finally takes a step forward to sit down on the steps-- not particularly close to Mikey, the two of them still a good arms length away. But it's the sort of distance that makes Shinjiro comfortable. The illusion of separation.
And Mikey makes a good point. Shinjiro doesn't particularly care about the details of other worlds beyond the sort of curiosity about things unknown. And he's got nothing to gain from spilling Mikey's secrets, should there be any. So he looks over a bit more pointedly, and then nods.]
Sure. Maybe it'll count something towards my shit, too. [They did say 'with others', right? So... sure. He can listen to this guy, let him unpack, make some understanding noises.]
(going back to the dojo won't do. it'll be yet another wall of distance between manjiro and his problems, considering the fact so much has happened under that roof. two places that give him a sense of pride and invulnerability - home, and the rally spot in the musashi shrine. therefore, somewhere far and immediate sounds like it would be much better - before he changes his fucking mind. for a moment or two, he's quiet, before he shrugs a shoulder.)
Doesn't matter where it is.
(shinjiro doesn't seem like he'd care if mikey is weak, if he is vulnerable. they are close to nothing for each other, and whether he has his respect and admiration is not something manjiro really cares about - he already doesn't, anyway. it'd break him to talk to the people who like him, who care, who are so stupidly determined that they won't let him just be if they knew the full extent of what manjiro goes through.
yu, scott, takemichi, kotone. difficult as is.)
... You know, have I ever told you about my family?
[Well. This is neutral enough ground. Besides, Shinjiro still has a lot of thinking to do himself about his sentencing bullshit. He hadn't expected it to be so... accurate, tailored to cut right into what he never truly lets himself look at within himself. So why not have this little chat right at the site of their call-outs?]
Probably. I don't really remember, though. Something about taking over from your brother?
[Something something pride and honor of their gang and wanting to whip their territory into shape or something? It feels familiar.]
(manjiro takes a moment, because how does he even start to untangle that web of things? where does he even start? it wasn't a single thing that affected him, not the murder, not the lack of parental guidance, it wasn't-- one. so he drags on his cigarette, trying to stall a little, steal some time for his thoughts to come into place.
they probably won't. but let the record show that he is trying.)
... Yeah. Shinichiro was the President of the Black Dragons, which turned out to be the number one gang in the 2000s. With my dad dead and my mom in the hospital, that's where I grew up. With the Black Dragons and my brother, he raised me. When the Black Dragons reached the peak, my brother disbanded them and became a civilian. He had a biker shop and everything, and every delinquent in Tokyo hung there, so my brother was a big influence, you know. He was incredible.
... But gangs don't die. They become generations. The new generation started picking on my friend Kazutora, jumping him. We created the Tokyo Manji so we could protect him in the same vein. After we got that done, a little time after, my birthday came. Kazutora decided, because he loved me, he wanted to give me a decent bike, so he and another friend of ours broke into a bike shop to steal one. The owner was there, and Kazutora freaked out and hit him with a pipe.
... And that was Shinichiro. And he died that day. Pretty shitty.
[When, Mikey speaks he's quiet and attentive. Patiently lets the guy work through his thoughts and words to lay the groundwork for where he was coming from. Raised by a brother who was killed by a friend it seems, all wrapped up in biker-gang dressings. Regardless of the details, there's a few core things he can understand. Someone you protected and who wanted to do their best fucking up on such a scale. The sort of 'accident' that could never be made right. Sure, no one intended for it-- but that didn't change the end result.
He exhales slowly, shaking his head in an expression of-- maybe not sympathy but of understanding of the difficulty of it.]
.... So what happened with you and Kazutora? He was an idiot, and fucked you up when trying to do something for you. How'd you handle that?
[He doesn't sound judgmental when he mentions the other guy, though. Because in this situation.... maybe he's more like Kazutora. So focused on finally doing something right that you're blind to every warning sign around you. Eventually getting in over your head and having no true excuse.]
(he has to think for a moment, because he didn't exactly deal with it. he decided to follow on his brother's footsteps, knowing fully well that he is not the man his brother was. he's off, like something is broken in his brain, but somehow it kept him close. kept him looking forward to honor the person who inspired his every step,
kazutora wasn't in the picture when he was doing just that.)
Kazutora went to juvie. I waited for him to get out, because I was going to kill him, but our friend Baji asked me not to. He was there with him when it happened. I loved Baji, so I didn't-- except Tora came out of prison and blamed me for the whole thing. He started a whole gang war, hit the shit out of me, stabbed Baji. I pretty much blacked out there, punched him an inch away from death. I think that's why I am being tried for murder. Didn't do it -- because Baji died and Takemichi stopped me. He's in jail now. I sent the others to tell him he's forgiven - Baji wouldn't have any other way.
[So Mikey had decided to kill him, been talked down-- but then the guy had escalated shit more. No wonder it felt complicated to Mikey.]
I guess the whole time he was locked away he could twist it around in his head. S'fucked up.
[What else is there to say? It is a fucked up situation. No one looks good coming out the other side. The two people Mikey had tried to emulate or honor in his handling of the situation had been killed due to it-- his brother and whoever 'Baji' was. It reminds Shinjiro again about how fucking complicated ties can be. Gangs, teams, whatever.
Though telling someone what happened to him isn't exactly what Mikey's being asked to do with his sentencing, is it. Time to ask a bit deeper, he guesses.]
So that's the play by play. Now you're stuck here holding the bag. What's your plan?
(that's the thing. facts are facts, emotions are emotions. he doesn't have a plan. there's nothing he can do, and as horrible as it is, kazutora's thing was like, 5 horrible things ago. there's too much on his mind for him to keep getting back to kazutora, he'll be out in twelve years after all. who knows, maybe in that time he can mean it for himself.)
... I don't know. I haven't forgiven him for me. I have seen some things here. Things that lead me to think that I'll become someone shitty in the future. I think it's probably warranted that I will kill someone sooner or later. Hell, I have concrete plans to, as soon as I get home. I think... I think it's bullshit that it's been given to me like that, when I haven't done anything yet, but at the same time...
I see it. Sometimes, I can't control myself, shit happens and I realize later, like with Kazutora. Maybe I should just accept it.
If you ain't forgiven him for you, than you ain't forgiven him at all. [He says it like it's basic. Staying his hand out of respect for a friend's wishes wasn't the same as 'forgiveness'.]
Not that you ever gotta forgive anyone. Hate the fucker forever, if that's what you need. It's what you do about it that actually matters.
[At least, in the simplified version of events? That's what it sounds like to Shinjiro. Mikey still hates the guy, wants to see him dead-- but also seems torn on if killing him will lead to worse things down the road. It's the dilemma of what you want versus what's actually for the best-- with the additional fear of not being able to trust yourself, known that control is an issue.]
Sounds like they pegged you for intentions, though, if you're that set on it. So do you want it to work out like that, or nah?
(does he hate? not really. he resents... something, but it has never been the fact that he created toman for kazutora. he doesn't even fucking know.)
I think so too.
(or for the future, like early punishment, a preventive measure.)
It's not... Really about what I want. Sometimes, Shinj, I don't know shit. I don't know right, wrong, left, right, just-- like my body moves on its own, and I want to destroy everything in front of me, and unfortunately, I am strong as fuck. I don't hate it completely, but I don't think I have a choice with it either. I try to control it, but I can't. I tried to kill Yu here already, and I didn't even compute it.
... Maybe I deserve the punishment, because I can't help it.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
drugsnotclubs) wrote2025-07-11 02:02 pm
no subject
(it would make sense to him, after all, he too has spoken about it. about kazutora murdering his brother. about kisaki manipulating him into war and trying to get his friends killed - by mikey's hand, no less. about emma, how she was bleeding out on his back before he winded up here.
but shinji's outrage feels-- extremely supportive, in a way. it's comforting.)
I have talked about it, that's the shit part. They said they want me to share my feelings and secrets and fears or whatever, but you are right. Nothing atones for something like that, especially something I didn't do. It's bullshit, and I ain't talking shit. There ain't shit to tell, so I'm screwed, anyway.
no subject
[It's mostly a sullen growl, mostly to himself, and he'll cut it off by taking another pull on the cigarette. It's a sort of dry, warm feeling in his chest that he hasn't had since he got here. It reminds him of that shitty mahjong parlor he hung around and all the assholes losing their shirts to it. The punks throwing shit around his alley, the drunks stumbling from the bar as the night got later and later.
It tastes like avoidance. And that's one he's learned to fucking crave.]
Yeah- it sounds like they're telling us one thing, and meaning another. Go do shit with 'conviction'. Or go talk about the hell.
[Was this half of sentencing? Figuring out just what they meant?]
... I don't know a lot of people who've done this. Dara did, but she just went and started a cult, so they took it. I dunno if anything happens if you don't do it.
I guess Akechi's hungry for info on it, but I wouldn't trust that asshole with anything personal.
no subject
(not that he knows the story behind shinji's whole demeanor, unknowing that the prospect of losing it might feel beneficial for him - but that's the thing. it's not punishment if they are doing something you'd like done. they are fucked one way or the other, and manjiro is so reluctant to let go of anything he has. he already doesn't have his gang, if they took away his self-control or will to it as the corruption had, he's screwed. he just thinks this is it, he's done.
he's just not taking it quietly. he never has been like that.
right now, he needs to avoid it. just like the other.)
Ah, she told me. Something about a shrine? And... I don't think I can do it, anyway. Besides, why would I tell any of this to some asshole?
no subject
(... A lot. But whatever)
Having Castor gone sounds like a relief, so long as it doesn't come with that horrific sense of displacement that he'd had when Dazai had touched him. But that said-- it likely wouldn't be a punishment for him.]
... They probably wouldn't do the same for me. I hate that asshole, anyway. [A pause, and he'll clarify:] My Persona, I mean.
[But Mikey raises good points, extending on his own thoughts. What was the point? Who would it serve? Making up for a crime against someone else by working on yourself? It feels anathema.]
I guess to avoid whatever punishment. I've never been the 'talk it out' kind've guy so I dunno if I could tell you...
[He says that, but also wonders: Is it really true he has no idea? Back home, yeah. Everything was so tied together everyone was invested, they had so many feelings. Being open with your own meant subjecting them to others, when it involved them as well. But here...]
I guess.... since nothing back home matters here, maybe it's easier to say shit.
[Or finding someone who could really understand. For him, it was someone who had also died, who didn't hold higher expectations of him than how he was right now. Without all the baggage of Personas and the Dark Hour and his own wracking guilt.]
But same as my shit...you think it would count if you didn't mean it? I dunno if it's the words they care about.
[One more drag on the cigarette, the spark climbing up closer to his lips, and then he curses quietly on the exhale.]
Such stupid bullshit...
no subject
(yep, he remembers that conversation. shinji was the first one to really explain personas to him, and quite honestly, he doesn't think he gets it. he can't, it's a reality that he can only imagine, and even so, it wouldn't come close. his words stand out simply because it sounds like personas are an intimate part of them. he never heard of someone not feeling close to their own. it's a strange statement. his cigarette is over, so the last drag burns his lips, the remaining flame used to light another one. it's doing little, but it is doing something.
home doesn't matter to shinji because he has no way of going back, manjiro figures. for him, home is his entire identity. the thing that keeps him awake in the morning. he doesn't even know who he would be if he didn't even have that.)
I think they matter, though. Whatever happened to us throughout our lives just won't disappear because we are in another place. I think they're trying to remind us that, too.
(he does sigh too, almost in unison, because, again, fuck this shit.)
What are you going to do, Shinj?
no subject
...He acts out. Attacks people. Me, sometimes.
[he hates putting it into words, but the time and distance afforded by his stay in Aldrip- and the seal Dara had placed, keeping everything subdued and pseudo-numb- has made it easier. More of a fact to state and less of a weakness to admit. Every time, it does get a bit easier to acknowledge.]
But he's pretty much under control here. There's shit in this place we didn't have back home.
['Under control' so long as Shinjiro avoided utilizing him and wearing out the thin seals that kept his power restrained and trapped. Had them redrawn and rebranded on himself whenever they grew weak. But-- it was better than the slow suicide he'd resorted to before.
But he doesn't linger on himself or Mikey's curiosity. After all, opening up to people wasn't his sentencing task. Instead the conversation turns to the topic of home, and Shinjiro has to remind himself that other people are actually desperate to leave.]
I figure even for you guys who're alive, time here has nothing to do with time there. It doesn't really flow the same in different dimensions.
[He says it as though he knows it for a fact- almost like it's something that's been seen or experienced firsthand.]
.... But I get it. If you have something your fighting for or living for-- it's gotta be frustrating to be stuck here.
[At the questions he rolls a shoulder and finally tosses the cigarette butt to the sides letting it shoulder out on the stone for a moment, before crushing it with a heel. Better not to start any fires.]
Fuck if I know. Join one of Kotone's clubs, I guess, see if that works. How 'bout you?
no subject
should he try this bullshit assignment on shinjiro? how much can he really be open about it? to speak is not the problem, it's to connect the fact with his emotions, and in that, let go a little of the posture and poise he has to keep intact.)
... I get it. It sucks, don't it?
(master of grammar.
the thought of home, though. terrifying and yet he craves. he craves the familiar, the warmth of the shrine where he stands tall, and the people who stand tall with him. he drags, the smoke blown away from them, at least.)
It's-- I think being here is frustrating for everyone. I imagine it is for you, too, even if you have nowhere to go.
(harsh, but he knows shinjiro doesn't hide from that very fact. he's so sure about it that it stagnates him, it seems.)
I think I'll try talking to you, if you'll hear me. I don't think anything I'll say would affect you, and you're not some random asshole.
no subject
....Yeah. it does.
[Goes to show that his initial assumptions can be as wrong as anyone else's. He finally takes a step forward to sit down on the steps-- not particularly close to Mikey, the two of them still a good arms length away. But it's the sort of distance that makes Shinjiro comfortable. The illusion of separation.
And Mikey makes a good point. Shinjiro doesn't particularly care about the details of other worlds beyond the sort of curiosity about things unknown. And he's got nothing to gain from spilling Mikey's secrets, should there be any. So he looks over a bit more pointedly, and then nods.]
Sure. Maybe it'll count something towards my shit, too. [They did say 'with others', right? So... sure. He can listen to this guy, let him unpack, make some understanding noises.]
Here, or someplace else?
no subject
Doesn't matter where it is.
(shinjiro doesn't seem like he'd care if mikey is weak, if he is vulnerable. they are close to nothing for each other, and whether he has his respect and admiration is not something manjiro really cares about - he already doesn't, anyway. it'd break him to talk to the people who like him, who care, who are so stupidly determined that they won't let him just be if they knew the full extent of what manjiro goes through.
yu, scott, takemichi, kotone. difficult as is.)
... You know, have I ever told you about my family?
no subject
Probably. I don't really remember, though. Something about taking over from your brother?
[Something something pride and honor of their gang and wanting to whip their territory into shape or something? It feels familiar.]
I'm guessing there's more to it?
no subject
they probably won't. but let the record show that he is trying.)
... Yeah. Shinichiro was the President of the Black Dragons, which turned out to be the number one gang in the 2000s. With my dad dead and my mom in the hospital, that's where I grew up. With the Black Dragons and my brother, he raised me. When the Black Dragons reached the peak, my brother disbanded them and became a civilian. He had a biker shop and everything, and every delinquent in Tokyo hung there, so my brother was a big influence, you know. He was incredible.
... But gangs don't die. They become generations. The new generation started picking on my friend Kazutora, jumping him. We created the Tokyo Manji so we could protect him in the same vein. After we got that done, a little time after, my birthday came. Kazutora decided, because he loved me, he wanted to give me a decent bike, so he and another friend of ours broke into a bike shop to steal one. The owner was there, and Kazutora freaked out and hit him with a pipe.
... And that was Shinichiro. And he died that day. Pretty shitty.
no subject
He exhales slowly, shaking his head in an expression of-- maybe not sympathy but of understanding of the difficulty of it.]
.... So what happened with you and Kazutora? He was an idiot, and fucked you up when trying to do something for you. How'd you handle that?
[He doesn't sound judgmental when he mentions the other guy, though. Because in this situation.... maybe he's more like Kazutora. So focused on finally doing something right that you're blind to every warning sign around you. Eventually getting in over your head and having no true excuse.]
cw suicide and murder
kazutora wasn't in the picture when he was doing just that.)
Kazutora went to juvie. I waited for him to get out, because I was going to kill him, but our friend Baji asked me not to. He was there with him when it happened. I loved Baji, so I didn't-- except Tora came out of prison and blamed me for the whole thing. He started a whole gang war, hit the shit out of me, stabbed Baji. I pretty much blacked out there, punched him an inch away from death. I think that's why I am being tried for murder. Didn't do it -- because Baji died and Takemichi stopped me. He's in jail now. I sent the others to tell him he's forgiven - Baji wouldn't have any other way.
i should put that at the top of my profile tbh
I guess the whole time he was locked away he could twist it around in his head. S'fucked up.
[What else is there to say? It is a fucked up situation. No one looks good coming out the other side. The two people Mikey had tried to emulate or honor in his handling of the situation had been killed due to it-- his brother and whoever 'Baji' was. It reminds Shinjiro again about how fucking complicated ties can be. Gangs, teams, whatever.
Though telling someone what happened to him isn't exactly what Mikey's being asked to do with his sentencing, is it. Time to ask a bit deeper, he guesses.]
So that's the play by play. Now you're stuck here holding the bag. What's your plan?
should i give you that journal as a gift
... I don't know. I haven't forgiven him for me. I have seen some things here. Things that lead me to think that I'll become someone shitty in the future. I think it's probably warranted that I will kill someone sooner or later. Hell, I have concrete plans to, as soon as I get home. I think... I think it's bullshit that it's been given to me like that, when I haven't done anything yet, but at the same time...
I see it. Sometimes, I can't control myself, shit happens and I realize later, like with Kazutora. Maybe I should just accept it.
HA HA HA no i good but thx u
Not that you ever gotta forgive anyone. Hate the fucker forever, if that's what you need. It's what you do about it that actually matters.
[At least, in the simplified version of events? That's what it sounds like to Shinjiro. Mikey still hates the guy, wants to see him dead-- but also seems torn on if killing him will lead to worse things down the road. It's the dilemma of what you want versus what's actually for the best-- with the additional fear of not being able to trust yourself, known that control is an issue.]
Sounds like they pegged you for intentions, though, if you're that set on it. So do you want it to work out like that, or nah?
no subject
(does he hate? not really. he resents... something, but it has never been the fact that he created toman for kazutora. he doesn't even fucking know.)
I think so too.
(or for the future, like early punishment, a preventive measure.)
It's not... Really about what I want. Sometimes, Shinj, I don't know shit. I don't know right, wrong, left, right, just-- like my body moves on its own, and I want to destroy everything in front of me, and unfortunately, I am strong as fuck. I don't hate it completely, but I don't think I have a choice with it either. I try to control it, but I can't. I tried to kill Yu here already, and I didn't even compute it.
... Maybe I deserve the punishment, because I can't help it.